Feel The Silence
by miss.almost
Summary: We've been so lost for so long, I don't know how to get back again' A MerDer fic, set in the day after Meredith tells Derek that she doesn't want him to date other people.
1. The Next Day

This was supposed to be a oneshot, but it became a little too long, so I decided to make a short fic out of it. It is MerDer and takes place after 4x10. Please disregard any incoherences with some of the show's events that might be mentioned in this fic (my tiny little heart can't handle more twists,turns and attempts to kill characters, so instead of watching the episodes I read quotes. It's sad, I know.).

* * *

_You lie awake at night  
With blue eyes that never cry  
All you remember now  
Is what you feel_

****

It is the next day.

This is the first thought in my head as the loud – in my opinion, excessively loud – noise from my alarm-clock wakes me up from one of the worst nights of sleep I've ever had. Today is the next day, the day Derek is going to talk to me. Or at least he is supposed to. But he is Derek, which implies that he is going to talk to me; after all, he is Derek, the speech man for the Communication Campaign or whatever.

Gosh, waking up this early is really starting to get to me. And maybe the late-night-rolling-in-bed thing didn't me with my rambling thoughts.

Bed, bathroom, wardrobe, stairs, kitchen, cold grilled cheese (or at least it smells like cheese), car, work.

My cell phone watch is showing 5:30, which means I have about an hour and a half until having to go through rounds with my interns. You're probably asking yourself why on Earth I would want to come early to work when I don't have to suck up to Bailey, but ,well, I'm a morning person. Work hard, that's my slogan.

Alright, I'm a terrible liar. I don't wanna sound stalker-ish or anything, but last night, before I left, I checked with my sources (ok, now I sound like I'm a spy instead of a resident), but what matter is that I know that he would be here early (or late, depending on how you see it). I know he had something to say to me before I took off, and the theories in my mind are driving me crazy.

But, as curious as I am right now, I need my morning coffee so I can think straight – and I'm in a serious need of that. Thinking straight ,I mean. Turned out that the cold grilled cheese wasn't make out of cheese, so... yuck. I could definitely use a cup of coffee and a muffin right now.

"I'd never peg you as a morning person, Grey." I heard a voice from behind me on the coffee shop line. Talk about stalker, I think to myself.

"Oh. It's you." I said disappointedly when I realized it was Mark who was standing behind me. Of course, who was I expecting to be standing behind there? I can't even lie to myself – yeah, I'm _that_ pathetic.

"Of course it's me. Would you take it any other way?"

"Shouldn't you be running after Dr. Hahn?" I lifted an eyebrow, hoping this would make him leave. Coffee would help, muffins would help, Mark flirting with me would most certainly not.

"Excuse me?" He chocked. Oh, that was definitely a better way of starting the day. "You do understand I am your superior, correct?"

"Yes, Dr. Sloan."

"And you do understand you work under me."

I rolled my eyes. "In your dreams." I said, turning to leave when I almost bumped into someone else. Apparently today is Sneak-Behind-Meredith day and someone forgot to tell me.

"And not even there if you're planning on restructuring a face that isn't yours." Derek said in a half-joke, half-serious tone.

"Woah, no need for violence, Shep." Mark said raising his hands in surrender.

"Been there, done that." They both laughed. Weird. I knew they were friends again or whatever, but this was still… weird. And the fact that I was trapped in between them wasn't really helping either. Sometime after the friends-again moment, Derek turned his face down and looked at me. He seems.. taller. Like he grew a few inches or something. Or maybe I'm just to close to him – not that it would ever be close enough. I have to stop with the corniness. "Hi." He smiled. It wasn't a McDreamy smile, but a smile nevertheless.

"Hi." I replied. Oh God, I'm blushing. Just when I thought I couldn't be any more ridiculous. I so hate my-red-self right now.

"You guys are making me sick. I'll go before I give up on eating my muffin." Mark said as he left, shaking his head. At least I'm not trapped anymore, but although I have the extra breathing space, the way Derek is looking at me right now is not helping me breathe.

"So.." I started.

"Why are you in so early? I couldn't believe when I saw your car in the parking lot."

"Yesterday." I say simply, hoping he would understand what I mean.

"Yeah." He pauses as he focus on staring me for a moment, as if trying to read my face. My stupid red face. "Today is tomorrow."

"It is."

"I checked earlier and your shift doesn't start until 7."

"Good thing I arrived early then."

He chuckles. That's a good signal, right? Light mood means good news. And of course it's good news, I mean, the man freakin' told me he wants to spend the rest of his life with me and I told him I want him all for myself. Good news lie ahead, for once. "Ok, my office." He says, placing his hand on the small of my back. I stiffen a little at his unexpected – but welcomed nevertheless – movement.

I feel… light as we walk. And then people start staring at us. Like they stared at me when Derek… well, you know. "Don't you think people will..-" I start, a little apprehensive. Why are the nurses giving me the death glare, anyway? I thought the Lets-Hate-Her-She-Stole-McDreamy thing was over like, a long, long time ago.

"Talk?" He asks as he presses the elevator button. I didn't even realized we were going to the elevator. But there again, Derek _is_ Derek, which implies elevators. And ferry boats. And… Ok, that's just way too personal. "They must be tired of talking about us, after all, we have been the hot subject for the past year."

"I guess you're right." I forced a smile. Don't get me wrong, I'm ecstatic he's in a light mood, but remembering the last year? So not what I need right now. The deathly silence in the elevator isn't helping as well. But he is still smiling, which is good. Thinking over that, he does smiles a lot, so maybe that doesn't mean anything.

Maybe he is going to break up with me.

Oh, wait, I've already done that for him.

Other scenario: maybe he does want to date other people. I didn't go over this scenario last night. Damn, just when I'm becoming bright-and-shiny all over again…

"Meredith?" Why is he looking at me like I'm some sort of crazy freak. Oh, maybe it's because the elevator is already in our floor and he's waiting for me to get out of it. I _am_ a crazy freak. And I talk to myself when I'm supposed to be talking with him.

Elevator, corridor, crazy nurses death-glare, his office door, ever more intense death-glares. God, this people really _do_ need something else to talk about.

He opens the door for me and closes behind me when he enters. His office looks.. different. The same, but somewhat different, if that makes any sense.

He's looking at me. Derek is looking at me. Well, why wouldn't he? I mean, he just brought me to his office saying we had to talk, so it kames complete sense that he is looking at me. Only I am not. Looking at him, I mean. I lift my eyes hesitantly. Apparently, all of the courage and self-confidence I stored during my almost entirely sleepless night vanished as I passed that door.

"So, we're here." I said, finally looking at him. Good, Meredith. Eye contact is good, just try not to break it or whatever.

"We are." He nods. "My turn to talk?" He is asking my permission to talk?

"Yes."

"Ok then." He sights. Heavily. Way too heavily for something good to come out of this. Oh god, oh god, oh god. He doesn't have any other hidden wives, right? Because that's a crime. Polygamy, I mean. Not that being married stopped him from getting in my pants, but being married should stop him from getting married while he was still married, right? Did that make any sense to you?, because I'm not sure it made to me.

"I kissed Rose." He says out of the blank.

What the fuck?!


	2. Oh, the Irony

**Thank you all who read the first chapter and left me reviews! ****This chapter is also with Meredith's POV. Just for the record, I don't hold any grudges against nurses or people named Rose.**

_The truth remains_

_In midnight conversations_

_I asked for this moment_

_But you turned away_

I ran many scenarios in my head last night. Crazy, abstract, completely unreal scenarios. Derek saying he doesn't want to date other people (which didn't sound that impossible at that time), Derek saying he loves me, Derek proposing – ok, maybe I went a little to far -, but mainly McDreamy scenarios. Why? He did say all those beautiful, amazing, make-my-knees-melt things, and that was supposed to mean he would go for one of the Bright-and-Shiny scenarios. He may be one of the top neurosurgeons in the country, but that doesn't grant him the right of making perfect I'll-Love-You-Forever speeches and pick a Dark-n'-Twisty scenario afterwards.

He just can't do it.

And saying he kissed someone else? Definitely a Dark-n'-Twisty scenario.

I have no idea for how long he's being staring at me with that say-something look written all over his face. Sorry sweetheart, but I have to close my mouth before I say something and my jaw is kind of frozen right now, so I guess you'll have to wait just a while longer, okay honey?

Ok, I'm not naïve or anything, but is there any chance I just misunderstood him?

"You what?" Maybe the shock in my voice was a little to obvious, but I couldn't care less about it.

"I kissed Rose." He repeated calmly. Way too calmly. Shouldn't he at least pretend to be worried about my feelings or something?

"And who the hell is _Rose_ supposed to be?" I mean, _Rose_? Seriously. That name only works for flower shops owners and that girl in Titanic. I know my name isn't anything great, but Meredith is way better than Rose. I don't even know the girl and I already hate her. Bright-and-Shiny Meredith surely didn't stay for long – as usual.

"She's a nurse, we've –" Oh. My. God. I simply cannot let him go on with that.

"A nurse? Seriously? I was an intern, but a _nurse_?" Perhaps I shouldn't have said that, but I've lost control over the things I'm saying sometime ago. It's not like I hate nurses, at least not the ones who are trying to steal my... not-boyfriend or whatever.

"We 'talked'. I told you that I'd wait for you, but if I found someone else-" If a couple of minutes ago my face was red because I was blushing, now it is because I'm more angry than I can ever remember. He kissed another woman and he is trying to _explain_ it to me, give me a reason for having done it?!

"So what, Derek? You simply jumped the first girl that came in your way?" My fists are clenched. No, I'm not going to beat him – I'll leave this to Cristina.

I can actually feel my blood boiling.

"You don't have the right to be mad."

"Excuse me?!"

"You wanted S&M, Meredith. I want more than that, and I made it pretty clear." He so does not have to right to speak at me with that voice.

"Yeah, I know! You think I told you what I did last night just because? I'm trying here, Derek."

"Will you listen to me for just a second?!" The frustration on his voice made shut me up. I never heard him talking to me – or, as a matter of fact, to anyone – like that. "Thank you." He says more calmly, even though there's some sarcasm in his voice.

Am I supposed to feel this bad? He's the one who kissed someone else. I just have to keep that in mind so the anger won't let the guilt strike in. He kissed someone else. He kissed a nurse. We were on a break for my cause. He kissed the flower girl. He told me he loved me and I pushed him back.

Way to go, Meredith. You can't even win an argument with yourself.

"Yes, I kissed someone else." He says as he seats on his desk. Maybe he would go on with something like 'she threatened me' or 'she attacked me in a dark alley' – yeah, I know, impossible scenarios again. "I kissed her and I wanted to kiss her."

Derek, sweetie, could you please stab me once again? You almost got it, a little more to the right. Right there, honey! Now just twist the dagger before pulling it out and repeat it from the beginning. You're becoming quite an expert at this, aren't you sweetheart?

"I-I told you couldn't stand for what you were willing to give me." At least he's trying to fake some regret now, not that it is helping with the whole that appeared on my stomach. "I need more than just pieces of you. And then I met Rose." Oh, please let me guess what comes next. 'She's pretty, smart and can give me everything you can't because you're damaged goods'.

"And she's… easier."

Easier?

Easier?!

He got in my pants hours after we met. How can anyone be _easier_ than that?!

God, I've just called myself a slut.

"Easier?"

"She's not-" I think my constant interruptions are pissing him off. Like I care about what he's feeling right now. _He's_ the one who kissed someone else. Jerk.

"Complicated? She doesn't have issues? She's all bright-and-shiny, wife material and basically everything I'm not?"

"I did not say that." He states firmly.

"So please, enlighten me, Derek, because I'm not following." I say crossing my arms over my chest in my best Nazi position (which, by the way, is not very good).

"I told you I would wait for you, and I am. But you never show me any signs that you actually wanted something more, and living with this doubt is killing me! I wake up and go to sleep every night not knowing if the woman I love _wants_ me for something more than sex. You kicked me out of your bed in the middle of the night, for Christ's sake!" He laughed as he lifted his hands to his face. Are his eyes supposed to be shinning this much?

Oh my God.

Is he crying?

"But that's not what we're here to talk about." He paused, as if waiting for me to cut in the middle of his sentence again. Only this time I am way to shocked to do anything more than stare him as if he had grown another head or something. "I had things to say. Have. But I wanted to started things clean this time. Because last time, when I didn't tell you…" Addison. "You know how gossip runs fast through this hospital, and I wanted you to hear it from me."

Suddenly I find out that I can move again. My arms fall down from my Nazi position and I feel... lighter. Does that means I overreacted? Maybe bottle things inside isn't such a great way to deal with your feelings – at least not when the bottle explode and the tiny pieces of glass fly all over.

"What does this mean?" I slur, only realizing what I just say when he chuckled lightly.

"I don't know." He sights, his tone more serious. And what is _that_ supposed to mean? "I have to take a decision. And the last time... I just don't know, Mer." He say running his hand through his hair.

Oh, the irony.

I'm fighting really hard the urge to run out the door and lock myself in some supply room. But the and the fear of proving his point that I can't give him what he wants (in this case, a serious conversation) – and the thought that he might not go after me this time – keep me still.

Specially the last one.

We stare at each other in the silence for a while. A long while. I hate that I can't control the stream of senseless thoughts rushing through my mind and that I can't hold onto even one of them. I hate the fact that I can't run to him and tell him that I'll make everything work this time. I hate the fact that I can't make a damn thing to show him that…

"I love you." I say, the easiness in which it rolls off of my tongue scaring me a little. Great, now he'll think I'm a pathetic person in a desperate attempt to keep him. I want to kill myself for saying it in such an appropriate moment, but it sounded so natural, so right, I can't even blame myself for saying it.

Actually, I can blame myself for not saying it before.

His head shoots up at my words, and he looks at me with a look that I can't describe. And then he does it. The corner of his mouth turns up. It's small, but it's there.

Then, why is he saying nothing at all?

"Do you…" What would be the right word? "like her?" I swallow, in a failing attempting of taking the bitter taste the words left on my mouth out of there.

"I…" He shrugged "Yes."

I suspected he could answer that, hearing those words and thinking of them as a possible answer have a complete different effect on me. I'm holding myself not to ask him what I really want to. Alright then, he likes me – but he told me, _me, _broken, fucked-up Meredith, that he loved me.

Why is he looking at me that way? The same I'm-Sorry-But-I-Have-To-Do-This look he gave me on the train accident night. That Look never leads to anything good.

"I'm sorry, Mer." That's an _awful_ start. Even a worse start than The Look. "I just... don't know."

In the absolute lack of ideas of what to say or do, I simply nod.


	3. The Hardest Part

**Hey there :). Thank you so much for your reviews, I'm really glad so many people are reading my fic! Anyway, here's the new chapter. It is named after the Coldplay song, which has quite a lot in common with the following chapter. So please, read and tell me what you think about it!**

* * *

_Sad like a lonely child  
__Broken the day you're born  
__I held the light to you  
__But I was so vain_

This is day is being hell. It started like hell, it is going on like hell and I suspect that it is going to end like hell as well. I'm really trying not to jump inside a supply closet or an on-call room whenever I see _him_ or _her_, but every time I cross them in the hallways it gets harder and harder not to. But I made my middle-year resolution: stop avoiding.

It's working so far.

But still, no matter how badly my day is going so far, I can't get mad at him. I really want to hate him for kissing someone else, but me, the idiot, the stupid girl, _I_ started S&M. _I_ broke up with him (because _he can't do it_ – I know you can't hear me, but try to picture me mimicking his voice. Yeah, that's it).

Fine, whatever, I know I broke up with him because guess what: I was there! So, see? There's no need to shove that on my face. Can I be angry now? I know I'm stupid and by definition that means I do stupid things, but that doesn't mean I don't regret my mistakes. Me, talking to him last night? That was me trying to fix what was wrong. Well, apparently I didn't do a good job.

Is it normal to feel knots on your throat, like it's closing or something?

Wait. I'm a doctor, I should now that.

Thank God now is lunch time, which means I can stop thinking like a doctor. I love my job, but right now, it's a pain in the ass. I roam around the hospital until I find a place where I can just sit and pretend the world doesn't exists: the lobby. You'd think it's a terrible place to hid-.. I mean, resting. Yeah, resting. I don't do hiding anymore. Anyway, people who work at the hospital only talk to people in the lobby when they're related to patients, so I'll be safe there.

I get there, and I sit. Obviously. Ok, being sarcastic with myself won't help in anything. Now I finally have some time to really think about what happened in the morning, and suddenly everything strikes in. The anger, the guilt, the depression. Specially the last one.

I told him I loved him. The last time I told him that… let's just say it didn't end well for me. But this time I really, really believed that that's what he wanted, what he needed to hear. And no!, of course I didn't say it just to make him feel guilty or anything, I really meant those words. Even more than I did the first time I said them.

And that's the worst part of it.

I tell him I want him. I tell him I love him. And he tells me he doesn't know what to do. I've been good in Math's, but things are not adding up.

I mean, he's known the flower-girl for what, a month, maybe two?

Oh my God.

For how long had he been seeing this Rose-nurse? Is it just a fling or does he loves her? He said he liked her, but he never said he didn't feel anything more than that for her.

Can this be really happening?

I know things are (were? oh my) bad between us, but I never thought they were _this_ bad. I'm not saying that the not-wedding day was a pleasant experience or that the after-sex trailer one was. But did I make him so desperate that after I broke up with him he already started his search for a replacement? Am I _this_ dark-'n-twisty?

I don't talk, I don't communicate, and that's the way I am. But when I try to talk, he meets a girl – my sister – in a bar. When I try to communicate, he kisses random girls. The way things are going, the next time I try to let him in he'll sleep with someone?! Maybe that means I shouldn't let him in, that way he'll keep it in his pants.

Stop, Meredith.

I need to stop loosing focus. The real matter is: we're back to Pick Me, Choose Me, Love Me, which means we're back to square one. Ok, maybe square two. No matter how many squares back this is, I _really_ want to go there and make things work – as long as that means he'll go with me.

Am I this pathetic?

Yep, you are, Meredith.

And he probably already realized that, which means he'll break up with me. That's what really makes sense, after all every time I make an effort he jumps back to someone else's arms. So, if he really wants to end things, I'll let him.

Now I know what he meant when he told me at the prom that thinking of Finn touching me made him sick to his stomach.

Oh no. No, no, no, no. Please, not again, I sight. Why, why is he here? I mean, having one serious conversation is confusing and exhausting enough, now he wants to have another?!

Or maybe he'll say something like 'Hey! I just dropped by to tell ya I'm keeping my other chick.'. Ok, Derek would never, _ever_, say something like that. It would be funny, though. Him talking like that, not actually _meaning_ those words. Duh.

Maybe if I lean down, like I'm tying my snickers, he won't see me, and will just walk right pass me. Yeah, that really might happen. Dammit. He saw me. I should've run when I could. Mental note to myself: never trust my happy-go-lucky scenarios again.

I'm scared. I'm confused. I really don't need him right now, at least not in this way.

Meredith Grey, do not panic.

"Hi."

Too late for that.

And 'hi'? 'Hi'. Seriously. What is that supposed to mean? I mean, isn't he supposed to say something more... articulate? Like Hi-Meredith-I'm-Really-Sorry or Hi-Meredith-I-Don't-Love-You-Anymore. Decisions are easy to take, so why can't he just make one?! Damn, he's looking at me with the You-Are-Crazy eyes again. I so need to stop with the mental-ramble.

"Hi." I reply dryly.

He's looking a little uncomfortable. Like I care. "I've been looking for everywhere." He says.

Ok, so what the hell is _that_ supposed to mean? Has he been looking for me to tell me he wants to break up with me or to tell me he wants me too? And by "wants" I mean _wants, wants _me, not simply wants me. If that made any sense.

"Yeah?" I say emotionless. I'm a terrible liar, but that doesn't mean I can't hide my emotions, and I really need to use that skill now. The bottling things up, I mean, not the lying one. Maybe if I keep not-looking at him and pretending I'm not paying attention to what he's saying he'll end this quickly. I'm really not in the mood of a sentimental I-Love-You-But-That-Isn't-Enough kind of break-up they have in movies. If this is what you want to do, just end it already, dammit!

I really need him to leave. As in right now; the last thing I need right is the way his hands is slightly brushing mine as he sits by my side. Or the way that that simple touch sends chills over my body. Or the way I simply can't thing straight whenever his next to me, specially in a moment like this when I really need to think and knowing that he's looking at me and trying to hold my hand isn't helping. At all. So I close my hand in a fist.

"Yeah." He says with a sort of disappointed voice, with a bit of something else I can't really get, since I'm trying to not pay attention to what he's saying.

And then, just like that, something comes out of my mouth.

"It wasn't all my fault, right? What went wrong, I mean."

He looks at me with a puzzled face. Like I had just said what he last expected me to.

"No, it wasn't."

"Good. I mean, it's not good, I just…"

"I was far from perfect, Mer." He said, shaking his head.

I'm not feeling as bad as I was before.

"I wanted to say that I'm sorry for-" Ok, I'm feeling bad again. You remember how things ended the last time he said that, so I'll understand that I _have_ to stop him before he says something he'll regret. Or, most likely, something I'll regret. Damn, that knot is back to my throat.

"Wait." He looks at me perplexed. "I just... I just want to say a few things, okay?" I swallow. If he is going down the I'm-Sorry-For-Breaking-Your-Heart Road again, this time I'll at least tell him what I want to. Because bottling things up inside? Not as good as it seems.

"This probably won't make any sense to you, but she's Finn." I stopped for a moment, looking for any trace of understanding on his face before I continued. "Rose is Finn." I repeat. "When I had a choice to make, I chose… you. " Suddenly emotionless tone was gone, and the I'm-So-In-This-It-Hurts tone strikes in. That tone never leads to good things. "Finn liked me, and he had plans, but I chose _you_. Because of the way you looked at me every morning when I got to the hospital. And you were always trying to hold my hand." I giggled sadly at the memory that brought back the well-known feeling that was rolling down my cheek.

"And you chased me, and you said things to me, and you hovered on elevators and I could picture me spending the rest of my life with you, because I wanted to. For the first time in a long time, I actually knew what I wanted. Because I loved you. So I picked you." Good choice of words, Meredith. "I picked you even though you didn't pick me before because I wanted to be with you." I say as I dry my tears with the back of my hand.

"What I'm trying to say here, is that I want you to make your mind. I'm sorry, but I can't give you all the time that you need, I can't give you the space that you want because I'm selfish, and I can't get my hopes high just to have them crushed again. So, if you want the safe, the easy person, then she's the right choice. I'm not saying I'll understand your choice - because I won't. She most likely is the better girl, but Derek, I _do_ love you, and as much as it may hurt you, I simply can't understand how someone can give up on that. I'll respect your decision, no matter what it is, but that doesn't mean that I'll ever stop..." I pause so I can breathe. Oxygen, oxygen is good for the brain cells. "Just think about it. If you're willing to take a risk, though-" I pause "…not taking the easy way out might be worth it." I smile – or at least try to – as I stand up and look directly to him.

"So, talk to me tomorrow and let me know." I say as I stand up, feeling like I had just been hit by a train or something. No one ever said walking away was easy, but no one ever said it was so damn hard. I mean, it's basically just walking with a meaning attached to it. And rationalizing the action isn't helping me doing it.

I start to walk away, still facing him. "If I did make you so miserable, I love you enough to let you go."

I walk a few more steps. I'm feeling like I'm in a movie or something. Slow-motion things and so on. "God, I can't believe how many times I'm saying it!" I giggle lightly.

As I go, he is still sitting in that chair. Looking at me. Staring me. Like he wants to say something but doesn't know how to. So I turn. And walk to the elevators.

And I am, one more time, waiting for the next day.

_And you remain  
__A promise unfulfilled  
__I ask you for more  
__But you push me away_


	4. 11:59 PM

_And if we feel the silence  
__Holding this all inside  
__Everything means more now than  
__Words could explain_

_One question__: what can't be done?  
__You tear me down with the same thing  
__There's nothing the end, it's begun  
__What can you do when it all drains down?  
_

The day is finally over.

Not over, over, it is still 11PM. But you got the meaning, right?

I'm home, no one else is home, so I'm alone. Me, alone. Like an old lady that only have cats as me company, only I don't have cats and I'm not old. So here I am, pretending to watch TV while I keep overthinking what happened today. Overthinking… I don't think that word exists. It's a good word though, it should exist.

So, about today… Welcome to yet another One Of The Worst Days of My Life, with, yet again, Meredith Grey as your host. "Today, Derek, my pseudo-boyfriend told me he kissed another girl. And he also told me – and I quote – He Doesn't Know What To Do. Aw, poor Derek! After that, and, actually, before too, I told him I love him! Yey for communication! And to close this day with a golden key, I poured my heart out to him and he didn't say a thing – not even a single word! This is all for today, folks, but don't worry, you'll see me here more often than you can imagine."

Mental Note: stop imagining myself hosting afternoon TV shows. Specially the ones where I'm the program subject.

Now that we're done pretending I'm taking this freakin' day well, where the hell is that damn ice-cream?!

_There y__ou go, always  
__See if I care faded  
__Down, don't you know where I'll be  
__'Cuz I'm here, on my own_

The ice-cream was in the fridge, behind something I can't really describe. They probably don't have a cool word like overthinking for that indescribably-disgusting-brown-thing in the fridge.

Now that I'm officially alone and officially over denial, I guess it's ok for me to fall apart.

Again.

I know I'm a walking cliché. Actually, I'm _the_ definition of a cliché. I slept with my boss. My _married_ boss. I fell in love with a married guy, who said he'd leave his wife for me, but _surprisingly _didn't (this is the ironical-me, if you didn't notice). I slept with my best friend. I almost exploded.. ok, that isn't a cliché but I cant leave that out of my year retrospective. Where was I? Oh, I slept with my ex during a date with my now-also-ex-boyfriend. I went back to the guy to dumped me after being hurt countless times. I almost drowned in a tub. I actually drowned in the sea (again, not a cliché but had to be mentioned). I said I'd change my life after a back-from-the-dead experience and I didn't. Change, I mean. And then my ex(?)-boyfriend dumped me after sex, and then he flirted with my sister (half-sister), and then he begged me to break up with him, and, well, I did.

All of this cliché talk just to say I'm still a cliché. Because I still want him.

And when I told him I wanted him… I was, and still am, scared of doing it. At the time, because I feared that something like the sequence of events that took place today could happen. And now… well, now, because I have no idea if he wants me or not, and I simply hate being in the dark over something as important and life-changing as this.

I still can't believe I've made a speech. I mean, how many times did I tell him "I want you" and "I love you"? Wait, don't tell me. I'm better off not knowing it.

My point is, my whole life was a cliché. And after meeting him, I committed the cliché of believing that he would be my prince charming and save me from my bad-clichés lifestyle to a Disney-movies-fairy-tale-cliché one, which I really wouldn't mind living. He had the hair, and the words, and the feelings – everything was working perfect until, well, until something went wrong.

And something went really wrong in the way. Otherwise I wouldn't be here, hating myself even more for not being able to hold myself together.

I just can't take it anymore, you know? Hoping that things will end up better, and actually _believing_ things will end up better is beyond exhausting. Specially when every time you have happy moment you have a horrible-please-let-me-erase-this-from-my-memory moment. I'm sick of it. I'm sick of him. I'm sick of being in love.

This whole thing is like a bad shoe, the kind of shoe that no matter how pretty it is, and how comfortable it seems to be, whenever you wear it you feel like a car ran over your feet, and you end up going back to the store and finding out you can't return it.

Not that I regret what I feel for him. I have great, amazing, breathtaking memories from our moments together. But the thing is, I also have a huge box that takes me back to moments I wish I had never lived, because I never thought I could get hurt in so many ways.

So this is it; this is the story of Meredith Grey.

The girl without a father.

The girl who loved tequila.

The girl who slept with many, many boys.

Until the day she met a different boy.

And I became the kind of girl who'd gladly give everything in me to get rid of my past and start a new life, but found out it was not enough.

Maybe I'm just not meant to have a happy ending, you know?

Maybe some people are meant to be depressed and miserable, so the happy people can look at them and realize how happy they actually are.

So Derek, if not only a neurosurgeon you're also a mind reader, please come back to me.

_Waiting, when I'm waiting  
__(downtown now)  
__I've been here before,  
a__nd I don't care where I'm going  
__So I'll stay..._

Pausing the self-pity moment, he did say it wasn't all my fault.

It isn't all my fault.

Is that supposed to make me fell better? Because it didn't help a lot. He is still not here.

Damn, the spoon hit the bottom of the pot. The ice-cream is over already. And my hand, I'm… shaking. It's not cold, but I'm shaking. And my face is all… water, I need water before I dehydrate. I can't believe I'm actually dehydrating _because of him_.

He does not deserve having me dehydrating for him.

No matter that I love him. And that he told me I was the love of his life.

Is it past tense? "Was"?

I need to stop giving myself fake hopes.

And I need to stop with the self-pity.

Seriously.

Damn tears, they don't stop coming. Please, please stop. You're my body, you should do what I'm telling you to. Great, now I'm starting to have a headache.

Breathe in, breathe out.

You've made it without him once Meredith, you _can_ do it again.

_When you walk don't leave a note  
__Just put your hands on the back door  
__When you talk it's just a joke  
__Just know, I can't take it anymore_

I guess I shouldn't tell myself that I never moved on from him, but it's too late for that now.

It's too late for many things now.

Too late, too late…

I run my hands over my face again, only to find I didn't stop crying. Somehow, crying became sort of an automatic thing for me. And I really don't think that's a good thing.

Not that I'm thinking right now. My mind is a blank.

A huge, dark blank with his face stamped right in the middle. Which actually means it's not a blank, but saying that he's the only thing on my mind is the last cliché I need right now. So it's just a blank. A Derek-blank.

I really wish I could hate him right now.

More ice-cream is the way to go.

I go back to the living room with strawberry ice cream, holding the spoon in my mouth (the sobs finally ceased) as I try to open the pot using my both hands.

And that's when I hear it.

Steps. Steps outside the door.

They are quiet, coy, steps, but I've definitely heard them.

So I do what any normal person in a horror movie would do, I walk to the door and open it just a little to see it there's a serial killer outside.

Now that my sarcasm-mode is on... Oh, the suspense is killing me.

It's dark. And it's raining, I didn't even notice when it started raining. Instead of a serial killer holding a shinny knife, I see a guy. A regular guy standing in the rain. A guy with black hair, curiously studding me with his oh-so-amazing indigo eyes (which are not amazing since I'm over him). His left arm is lifted, and he looks at his watch.

"What are you doing here?" I ask tiredly after taking the spoon out of my mouth. I should've told him I didn't want the I'm-Sorry-Let's-Be-Friends kind of break up, even though I think that saying this can be considered covered, as I already told him I don't want pieces of him.

"Wait." He says, immediately moving his eyes from his watch to me, back and forth, back and forth…

"What?"

"It will only take a minute. Literally." Is he grinning? He is grinning. He is _so_ grinning. How can he be grinning?! I can't believe this is happening. I'm standing in my doorway, with puffy, sore red eyes, looking as great as I'm feeling and he asks me to _wait?_

_Are you back just yet,  
__Waiting now please come set me free,  
__And the only sound is a minute left._

Haven't I waited long enough?

Can't he just leave me the hell alone?

Anyway, what does he wants me to wait for? Daisy, Lilly, Sunflower, whatever her name is, is gonna show up in a couple of minutes so he can give me a live presentation of how happy they are together?

"_Oh, Meredith, everything is so much easier now that you're out of our way to happiness!" _

Maybe she'll hug me.

I hope she understands that that's equal to beg me to kill me.

I wish I could take her tiny neck and twist it.

Oh gosh.

I'm becoming _Cristina_.

Jealousy _is_ a bitch.

_This could be, this could be the last time_

Either way, Cristina would help me hiding me corpse. She's me person.

He looks really, really nervous. If I didn't hate him and wasn't over him, I'd find it cute.

Again, I don't find it cute. I'm just observing and making a bitter observation.

Maybe I can do sarcastic me, after all.

Derek, me, watch, me, watch, I think he'll distend a muscle from all the smiling.

This watch thing is becoming an obsession.

"It's the next day." He says, pausing to breathe. "Today.. today is tomorrow."

Thank you for the great memories that sentence brings back, sweetie.

I stare him sternly. Or at least I think I am. His face twitches slightly at my warm welcome, but he is still smiling that stupid McDreamy smile I hate myself for loving.

"Midnight." He enthusiastically shows me his watch. 12:00. Great thing, he knows how to read the hours. "It's the next day and I can't believe I've ever had a doubt." He say in that dreamy, make you forget any notion of time, voice.

_It's a chance to fix mistakes,  
__One more for the last time_

Did he just say that or am I hallucinating again? I had no idea this dehydrating thing was so serious. I try to grip onto the ice-cream harder, only to find out I dropped it somewhere in between his last sentence. Which I don't have the slightest idea of what it meant, by the way.

Ok, maybe I have, but I'm over fake-hopes, right?

But truth to be told, I _can't_ actually picture a dark-n'-twisty scenario after what he said.

He comes a step closer.

He is really wet.

Soaked.

Not that I notice it, because I don't care.

I hope he catch the flu. Yeah, I'm that nasty and over him.

Observing, I'm an observing person.

"I'm so sorry I've put you through this again, Mer…" He lifts his hand and I decide to step back. But when I feel his cold, wet hand on my face and it still makes my skin burn, well, I change my mind. "It's you, it has always been you, I can't believe how stupid I was." He laughs lightly as he cups my face with his hands.

Is this _actually_ happening?

_Along the staircase,  
__I dream to hear you,  
__In a whisper quiet room,  
__Space for thinking,  
__Space to scream to,  
__But the echoes sound like you,  
__Not the stars at night,  
__In a pitch black sky,  
__I don't know just wants to see you  
__But the time is right and it only flies  
__This could be, this could be the last time_

Oh my God.

This _is_ happening. He _is_ in my doorway telling me he _does_ want, _want_ me. Ok, he didn't actually say those words, but they were implied.

I can't move.

I can't speak.

All I can do is bit my bottom lip and smile at the same time.

This is happening.

This _is _happening.

And I have no idea of what's going to happen next.

He looks at me with such… adoration in his eyes. Like my messy hair, red eyes with dark circles under them and my annoying habit of biting lip are the most stunning, breathtaking thing he has ever seen.

They are coming again. The tears, I mean. But these are happy tears. The kind of tears I can't remember the last time I cried. So I lift my hands and hold his, as if looking for some support. Because I do feel like I could fall from cloud nine at any time.

His smiles widens, if that's even possible. And then I move my hands to his face.

And he leans into me.

And he kisses me.

His lips are against mine.

It's soft, so soft…

And then I can't think.

My mind is a huge white, bright-and-shiny Derek blank.

And I really do hope it stays that way.

_It's only us,  
__It's only now,  
__A simple wish,  
__It's so late tonight._

_

* * *

_

So, today.

I'll tell you what happened last week, but forgive me if it sounds a little like the end of a soap-opera, with all the happy-mushy moments.

Only last week, well, it didn't have a terrible plot.

And it wasn't a cliché.

You're probably asking yourself what happened after Derek came over. I asked him to come inside and change because he was… soaked. And get your mind out of the gutter, nothing happened!

At least not that night, I smirk.

Ok, back to the subject: he came inside, and got pretty surprised when he found that I didn't make a bonfire with his cloths, apparently angry girlfriends are supposed to do that.

I've already made a mental note not to forget that.

Just in case he gets out of the line.

Anyway, we sat on the couch (the one with ice-cream pots all around it) and we talked. We actually talked. And it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. People really can surprise you.

So he told me about Rose (I still hate her) and about how confused he had been feeling. I really hate how he has his way with words, so I'll quote what he said so it will have the same effect it had on me. I went on like – _"I can't begin to describe how sorry I feel for… everything. I was a jerk, a extremely blind, selfish jerk to have treated you the way I did after you told me you wanted more too. I'm not trying to justify what I did, but I was scared to death that if we were back together, despite of what you had said, things would be just like they were before. No matter how bewildered I was, I had no right to do this to you. I still can't believe you let me in!"_ He laughed with those Please-Forgive-Me-I-Really-Mean-What-I'm-Saying look.

And then we talked more.

Like, all night (or morning, depending of your point of view), until his shift started at 8. We did a lot of talking, and we straightened a lot of things.

He told me he felt his heart breaking when I asked him if what went wrong hadn't been all my fault.

I'm not sure if he has any idea of how much that meant to me.

Maybe I should tell him some time. Definitely.

So, we talked about what was my fault, and what was his fault, and apparently he blames himself for more things that I ever did. I mean, blame him. Bruises were awaken, scares got healed and all that things that happens when you're willing to take a risk and it ends up being worth it.

It was a good talk.

And we kinda did the same thing when I slept over at the trailer the next day. A sleepover, with just sleeping and cuddling.

I had no idea of much I missed his arms around me while I sleep.

Anyway, we figured things out.

And everything is great now. I'd even risk perfect, but he really doesn't need an ego buster right now.

And last night… we talked about the drowning. I still can't believe we talked about that, but I feel really better now. Talking is good, you should try it some time. I even tried to talk like I did with Derek with Cristina, but you know Cristina. It was a try tough. And while I tried to talk she tried to throw me charts at me. Not a charming experience.

Ok, maybe I should stop doing the whole Dr. Phil thing on other people.

Oh, he's here now. He's smiling. He's looking at me with that You're-Crazy-In-A-Cute-Way way, not in the Oh-My-God-You're-Clinically-Insane way.

"Hey." He kisses me in my cheek and walks to his drawer.

Maybe last week was a cliché.

A good one, tough.

One I wouldn't mind living.

I could really get used to this happiness thing or whatever.

He's jumping in the bed, and I'm giggling. He turns off the lights and pulls me next to him. I sight. He hovers. He tells me he loves me.

And tell him I love him too.

* * *

**So, this was the last update, I hope you liked it :)! I was pretty long, but I wanted to get a lot of things covered. Again, thank you all for your feedback, your reviews make finishing an update an hour before I have to leave to the airport be really worth it. **


End file.
